I really, really suck at this game. Also, this game is really, really hard.

I’d just like to say I’m very thankful for the big, lush bed I have that’s soft enough to prevent any damage from my iPhone being flung repeatedly in different directions upon it. Super K.O. Boxing 2 by Glu challenges your skills and your patience, and aside from greasy fingers slipping back and forth over the screen, you may just develop an ulcer or two – maybe elevated blood pressure levels. I think I might have heartburn.

Honestly, though, it’s an exceptional game, a Street Fighter quality game for the iPhone, with the same pizzazz, better graphics and funny, well-drawn characters that all have their special fighting tactics. As we know from Glyder, Glu produces quality games. Gameplay is straightforward enough, with classic controller settings – punch buttons on right, dodging and blocking buttons on the left – and you fight to win. You don’t want to be the dizzy, disoriented bloke about to be knocked out by some giant Chieftan. No, you want to annihilate your foes, figure out their flaws, find weaknesses in their defense; maybe they leave an open spot when they give a right hook, or maybe they’re so cocky they taunt you constantly, leaving room for a sucker punch. It’s so satisfying when you get in a nice round of combo punches, with dizzying movements, your opponent’s eyes popping in surprise right before the screen flashes bright blue, a slow-mo Street Fighter throwback signifying your winning of the battle. The winning screen shows your K.O. Kid standing, his perfect V-physique and strapping six-pack ablaze beneath his charming, surfer good-looks.

Of course, on the other end of the spectrum, when your K.O. Kid is the one falling to the ring’s sweat-drenched ground in defeat, the game can get pretty frustrating. I admit, I suffered from initial cockiness in my first round with Big Jip, a fat, mashed potato of a man donning a sweaty, weathered tank top turned grey from years of grime and sweat from no doubt working on a ranch with bulls and pigs. Big Jip is exactly as his name belies, a “big jip,” and the round is pretty much over as soon as it begins. The next opponent is some smarmy Matador named El Bulli (Ferran Adria, please don’t take offense) whose emaciated countenance and slick expression would look more at home in some red-lit lounge than in the boxing ring. Regardless, he gets in a few punches, nothing too bad, but enough to make you take note of how quickly the game’s difficulty progresses. It’s not until you battle 15 cent that things get ugly. He dodges like some lightning bolt of hip-hop swagger, and then – excuse the frankness – b**** slaps you silly. What makes it worse is he’s even cockier than you at this point. A cheaper version of 50 cent, this cocky punk is scrawnier and more prone to pantsing himself from too baggy jeans. His bling bling glitters like acrylic cubic zirconia and rattles with every swanky dodge he makes, which he’ll do aplenty, all accompanied by the scritch scratch of a record player. The only thing he does more is ham up to the camera, flashing his beautiful, gnarly yellow grill. Your character, K.O. Kid, after the first round, will spar humorously from his chair, quipping “Hey spare change, it’s called a belt. You should try it some time.” Wittier, definitely than 15 cents’ reply, “i make them dollars but i don’t make sense.” No, no you don’t.

Even with all the fighting arsenal under my gloves – special moves like the super punch, taunting, dizzy combo, and lightning K.O. – I had to shamefully, with red-face, wild hair and a crazed dilated pupil look to my eyes, ask for my boyfriend’s assistance. Like any testosterone-wielder, he knocked out 15 cents in his first try, his dignity and dollars intact; though, he did admit those 5 minutes were painfully frustrating. Once I happily regrouped my wits, I was knocked out in 10 seconds flat by my next opponent – a giant, scary Native American by the ominously vague name of “Chief” who quickly counters every punch you make with a more powerful punch, knocking through all your defenses. I quit soon after that.

Even with my boxing shortcomings, Super K.O. Boxing 2 is undeniably great. It’s rare, so far, for the iPhone to have a truly challenging game. The level of complexity this game has, with each character having his own set of flaws you must figure out, like a puzzle of pattern recognition, makes for a really gripping time. What’s great is there are four controller styles to choose from, should the basic button style not be as cool as the touch grid version, with tilting capability to make your character dodge and flit from side to side (warning: it makes for a harder game, trust me). My best advice is to successfully evade enemy punches while landing hits so you can charge up your super meter to knock them silly with a super punch. Dizzy combos are a great way to knock out half your opponent’s life (thanks 15 cents) because when they’re starry and disoriented, you can take advantage of the stupor – but only punch until the stars appear otherwise they’ll snap out of it and counter with a right hook to your cheek. I, personally, haven’t had much success with taunting, but maybe I just use it at the wrong time.

It’s too bad I’m not good enough to make it to the end of the game. I’m particularly curious about the character on the opening title page that looks like a crossbreed between Bane from Batman and a medieval Executioner. Yikes, is all I have to say. I’ll definitely continue playing this game, until my hair sets in a permanent fried position, because it’s just that entertaining. I’ll say I’m bringing back the bouffant.